• I cannot deal with the never ending bickering between my two teenagers. What can I do to stop this?

• I’m a working mom and I don’t get home until 5:30 in the evening. How will I know when it’s okay to leave my 12-year-old daughter alone?

• My wife thinks she knows everything about parenting. She may, but it is very difficult to live with an expert. Do you have any advice for a demoralized father?

• My daughter seems to have a low sense of self worth. No matter how hard I encourage her, she’s afraid to try anything new. Any suggestions?

• My husband and I are going on a much-needed trip alone together. We worry that our 4-year-old son will have separation anxiety. Should we feel guilty?

• How do I handle an adolescent who constantly requests things?

• My 4-year-old daughter is an only child. She doesn’t seem to miss having siblings, but are there other “only-child” issues we need to consider?

I cannot deal with the never ending bickering between my two teenagers. What can I do to stop this?

In my effort to learn the very answer to this question, one night 18 years ago as I was headed out the door to make a presentation to parents about sibling rivalry, I turned to my eight year old son and asked, "Why do kids fight?" He answered, "Because it's fun!" While this response gives a sort of incomplete explanation, in some ways it was illuminating. While I, the mother of four children, have not been able to completely eradicate sibling rivalry in my house, I have, over 25 five years of parenting and counseling parents, been able to gather some thoughts and recommendations from the experts in my field.

Sibling rivalry can be fierce. With a smile on my face, I asked the same child, "What's a mother to do?" Giggling, he replied, "Get rid of Alex!"

But Alex, the younger brother with gumption to compete, replied with a twinkle in his eye, "Kill Aaron!" Not exactly what a parent wants to hear though not particularly out of the ordinary, my boys responses certainly do typify the deep feelings of jealousy and tension that can result when two or more children have to share the love of parents. Here is a list of reasons many kids fight.

• They enjoy it.

• It's something interesting to do.

• There is the delicious possibility that parents may blame the other child and that child will get in trouble.

• Fighting fills time.

• Young children fight because they are not developmentally ready to share.

• A lack of fairness causes rage, quarreling and complaining.

• Younger children fight to show they won't be bossed around.

• Older siblings fight to prove they can control the younger ones.

• Siblings take it out on each other when things go wrong in their lives.

• Having to take care of a younger sibling.

• To get attention.

• Some children are naturally more irritable.

Probably the most compelling reason children fight has to do with competition for parent's love, approval and attention. Most of us enjoy being the first and the best. This desire is strong in children. It is common for children to have moments of feeling jealous of siblings as they worry that their parents love the other most.

It's been said that when we have one child we become parents and when we have two, we become referees. Since sibling rivalry is so common, it helps to understand the layers of fighting. The first layer involves the immediate cause of the trouble. The second layer has to do with the struggle for status and the third layer is about the underlying core of resentment accumulated from years of rivalry for possession of the parent's love and attention.

Two teenagers fighting have already journeyed through the first two stages of sibling relationships, according to Dr. John F. McDermott.

They are beyond the "might equal right" stage when kids think everything is "mine." They have tried out the "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" phase, which involves trading, truces and lots of negotiations.

Teenagers are in the "law and order" stage of sibling relationships described as "It's not fair, you're cheating!" At this point, there are some fairly established firm rules like not going into each other's bedrooms without permission and penalties for breaking rules, but there continue to be innumerable reasons to squabble. The good news is that the final stage of sibling relationships is, "As sisters and brothers go, you're not bad." While high school and college-aged children do not necessarily admit this openly, their behaviors convey a resolve and greater acceptance or bond.

To gain some perspective on your teenagers' dilemmas, try to think back to your own childhood. What was your position in your family? How did you get along with your siblings? What did your parents say or do to make the situation better or worse? How do you get along now? What, if anything, gets in the way of the relationship with your sibling you'd like to have now?

Two books have been particularly enlightening as I have grappled with the same questions and sought to help parents over the years: Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Loving Each One Best by Nancy Samalin. Here are some of the tips the experts suggest:

• Separation - from each other and you can reduce the possibility of tension.

• Space - Even in a small house this is possible by drawing an imaginary line, giving a child her own bookshelf etc.

• Scheduling - Make sure siblings have some part of the daily schedule when they are not together.

• Something else to do - Provide an interesting environment so they are busy with an activity and less likely to fight with each other.

• Supervision - Do it as a facilitator, not the director.

• Surprise - Sometimes fighting can be stopped when a parent re-directs by suggesting the creation of a "surprise" like baking a cake for a friend or making a delicious dinner together to surprise dad.

In addition to these suggestions, it is important that parents use language likely to increase the chances of sibling harmony. Instead of saying, "Why can't you be more like your little brother and hang up your jacket?" and resist the temptation to compare. Just describe what you see and want. Say, "This jacket belongs in the closet."

Know that children do not need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely. Instead of saying, "I love you just as much as your sister," you could say, "You are the only 'you' in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place."

Give according to need. "I know I'm spending a lot of time going over your sister's composition. It's important to her. As soon as I'm finished, I want to hear what's important to you."

Acknowledge children's feelings. When one says, "I'm going to kill her. She took my new shirt", a parent can respond, "You sound furious. You want your sister to ask to borrow your things." Acknowledging your child's feelings helps them to feel validated, express anger, cool down and take reasonable action. In this case, a parent could suggest that one sibling writes the other a note explaining how she feels and what the borrowing ground rules need to be.

Most experts would agree that when siblings are fighting, parents could mistakenly increase the tension by saying unhelpful things that deepen the grudge. When it comes to teenagers, as long as nobody is getting physically hurt, it can be very helpful for a parent to say something like this. "I can see that you two are working hard to come to an understanding. I'm glad to hear you listening to each other. I bet you can figure this out. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." With that vote of confidence, leaving can be our best strategy so that by mistake we don't label, compare, equalize or move into muddy waters where our words or over reactions can escalate the situation.

Finally, it is crucial that we parents acknowledge our siblings when they are being generous, kind and helpful. When we notice and say, "Wow, what a nice big sister you are to invite your younger sister to go shopping with you", the older one will repeat the kindness. After all, children are truly motivated by our positive attention and approval.

Sibling rivalry stems from a deep down need to be loved and accepted by our parents. When we love and accept our children for their unique talents and personalities, we reduce the tendency for children to fight with each other and increase the possibility of a lifetime of sibling harmony.

I’m a working mom and I don’t get home until 5:30 in the evening. How will I know when it’s okay to leave my 12-year-old daughter alone?

It is so difficult to know exactly when it is the right time to leave children. One of the best things you can do is take your cues from your daughter and listen carefully to your own instincts. Many 12-year-olds are able to stay home alone for a brief period of time when the circumstances are basically familiar and safe. However, if you take a good look at your child’s class, you will observe that development is quite variable at the middle school age. Some girls will be menstruating and experimenting with makeup, while others still enjoy making fairy houses and playing with dolls. Some girls will be starting to baby-sit, while others are not ready for that responsibility. Readiness is key. Should you pick up the signals that your daughter is willing to try being home alone, you will want to reassure her that you feel she will be safe. You will want to let her know that it is exciting to begin to gain more independence. Maybe you can remind her of some milestones she has accomplished in regard to independence (sleepovers, summer camp, school fieldtrips, visits to relatives, riding the school bus). These reminders help your daughter see herself as capable and ready. Here are some things to think about should you decide your daughter is ready:

• Go over safety plans.

• Role play different scenarios: “What would you do if…?”

• Have a contact list with important phone numbers nearby. Giving your daughter a cell phone can be helpful and is a good way for her to check in with you.

• Practice in small steps. Try leaving the house for 30 minutes. Your daughter can call you and begin to get the sense that you will be available should she need you.

• If it seems necessary, you might talk about what your daughter does to feel better when things are not going well. Kids need to know that it is important to pay attention to all their feelings. It is okay to feel afraid and it is important to be able speak with someone about fears. But kids can also learn what they do to self-sooth (call for help, call a friend, watch TV, read a storybook, get involved in an art project, drink some hot chocolate).

My wife thinks she knows everything about parenting. She may, but it is very difficult to live with an expert. Do you have any advice for a demoralized father?

A: You are not alone. Clearly you are an "engaged" father if you have taken the time to even write in the question. Many dads in my parent groups feel dragged there by their "all knowing" wives. Slowly and insidiously, fathers can begin to feel disenfranchised as their wives step into the "power parent" position. Many women come to parenting with some previous experiences nurturing children (babysitting, camp counselor, sibling care, etc.). These experiences can propel them into a more knowing position. But I have come to believe that mothers do not mean to demoralize fathers and would be at a great loss should a father truly detach from the process of raising kids.

A solution is for both parents to consider their very important strengths and roles in regard to raising children. Also, we parents need to take to heart that children are quite resilient. Parenting is a tough job that we all learn along the way. Good-enough parents make mistakes, recover and go forward to try again. While the "experts" can make suggestions, there is no hard and fast formula. It takes time and self-awareness to develop some confidence and parenting skills. Using intuition is critical. Your intuition seems to be that you have something important to offer. You do. Communicating with your wife by listening, sharing feelings/ideas and both letting go of the concept that there is one right way is so important. Learning how to agree not to agree and deciding how to proceed when that happens will be an important growth step in parenting. It can take years to develop a solid parenting style that works for both the mother and father, and often parents need to readjust their strategies as children grow through various developmental stages. It is not uncommon for one parent to be better suited to parenting young children while the other may have patience for older child behaviors. About fathering, consider the following.

Fathers have a proven track record of knowing how to nurture children. In the book, The Nurturing Father by Kyle Pruett, M.D., clinical professor of psychiatry at Yale University Child Study Center, Dr. Pruett discusses the "father problem." If a father has broken through the "gatekeeper" (wife), he can gain access to his child. He can hold, feed, protect, be tender, talk, teach, tease, play, listen, work and hang out. What is he to feel? Pride, shame, embarrassment, ignorance, helplessness? Such quandaries form one-half of the father problem. The other half is composed of all the familial and social reverberations of the father/baby connection. As a man attaches himself to his baby, what happens to his real, "traditional" fathering role? Who will guard and protect, watch over the hearth fire, hunt and gather, punch the clock, acquire or climb the corporate ladder while he idles with his child?" While Pruett discusses the dilemmas dads face, he also makes it abundantly clear that dads play a significant role in establishing children's curiosity and mastery. Fathers are particularly good at play and play is how children begin to learn. A child's self-esteem, sexual identity, cognitive growth and social relatedness are all impacted by the father.

There are certain moments in a child's development when the presence of a father can make all the difference. For example, at the birth of a second child, it is a father who can help to create a sense of love and stability for the first child. Also, when little boys begin to separate from their moms (between three and five years old), they need a dad to show them more about the big world and what it is to be male. When girls begin to separate from their moms, starting around 12 years old, it is a loving father who can solidify the daughter's sense of self during a period of vulnerability. Time together can help her to feel valued, intelligent and feminine.

I have facilitated father groups with a male psychiatrist. In these groups, I heard fathers describe their joy and delight, loneliness and confusion, anger and angst as they attempted to be present for their children. Some fathers cried when they thought of their own dads, often uninvited into the parenting process, distant or angry. These days there are more and more fathers like you who are determined to move into this most important role of fathering. While your wife surely has important insights and thoughts into the parenting process, your active presence as father is the best present you can give your children.

Continue to read about fathering, talk with other parents, listen and observe. In all my years of working with parents, I have rarely met parents who don't struggle and disagree. For the love of our children, we parents can work diligently at developing good communication and respect for each other. While unity is ideal, when parents do disagree, children can gain a lot from watching parents argue, forgive, communicate effectively and work towards resolution.

My daughter seems to have a low sense of self worth. No matter how hard I encourage her, she’s afraid to try anything new. Any suggestions?

Encouraging self worth is always at the heat of my work with parents. We cannot underestimate the value of self-esteem and we parents have a tremendous opportunity to be charismatic adults for our children. One well respected author, Dorothy Corkville Briggs, defines self esteem as "how a person feels about himself. It is his overall judgment of himself - how much he likes his particular person. His feelings of self- worth form the core of his personality and determine the use he makes of his aptitudes and abilities. In fact, self- esteem is the mainspring that slates every child for success or failure as a human being." We have learned through years of research that self- esteem is not genetic. It is something that can be fostered and there are moments in development when our sense of well-being fluctuates.

While children over the age of seven are outgrowing certain fears like monsters, the dark and separation from parents, one fear that surfaces fairly regularly is the fear of failure, particularly in school. Your daughter's reticence to try new things could be an outcome of a fairly normal part of development. Parents naturally want to help children feel strong and competent. Here are some things to consider.

We lead our children to a healthy sense of self when we send messages that communicate, you know what you know, you think what you think and you feel what you feel. One of the most empowering things we can say to our children is, "What do you think?" and "What would you prefer?" Listen carefully.

Know what is unique about your daughter and find ways to emphasize that. For example, when my first child, a quiet, reflective, boy demonstrated an interest in and talent for art at four years old, I quietly mounted his pictures on the wall (for years), hoping to send a valuable message. Without trying to talk him in our out of anything, I merely attempted to show him that he was honored for his unique talents and interests. Think about your daughter's competencies and find ways to bring them to light.

Consider what she can contribute. By this I do not mean chores, but rather something special that may make her feel capable. (Making a grocery list or doing the shopping, researching and planning a family outing, making the pies for the holidays or choosing a unique way to set the table.)

Children feel valued when we ask them for your help. I remember when I was about eight years old, my father called my sister and me from work to ask us if we could make dinner for our family. My mother wasn't feeling well and he needed our help. I still remember feeling quite important when my father asked me for help.

It's important what we model the message, "mistakes are opportunities to learn." Do not forget to tell your daughter when you have made a mistake and what you did to recover. This gives our children the leeway to make some mistakes too. With this model, children can gain the courage to try something new without such fear of failure. One expert in my field links courage to self- esteem and defines courage as the ability to take a known risk for a known purpose. When an eight year old takes the risk of talking with an "unpopular" child on the playground, it takes courage. We parents need to identify the many times in a day when our children dare to do something a little risky and talk about it. "That wasn't an easy thing to do. I bet you felt nervous. But you got over it and did something courageous and kind!"

When encouraging your child to try something new, if she feels hesitant, validate her sense of caution and remind her of the times she has been successful in the past. "It must feel a little scary to spend the night at your friend's house for the first time. Remember the first time you spent the night at grandma's house? You didn't want to leave home but you gained the courage and did it! You ended up having such a good time making that chocolate cake with grandma and in the end, you were glad you went. And what about the time you didn't want tot ride the school bus. You figured out just where to sit to feel safe. I bet you can have a good time at the sleepover."

We now know that children are born with very different congenital characteristics. Some are naturally outgoing while others are reflective and have a very active inner life. Neither approach is right or wrong but merely a way of being. Parents often feel joy and pride when their children jump in and engage happily in a new activity. But there is something to be said for the child who watches, waits and listens before making her entrance. Many children who proceed slowly are perceptively observing the nuances of a situation. When they join in, they can frequently do it with competence and confidence. Readiness is important and when we give children a chance to get ready, we honor their style, who they are and that which makes them unique.

My husband and I are going on a much-needed trip alone together. We worry that our 4-year-old son will have separation anxiety. Should we feel guilty?

Leaving a young child for several days can be a huge decision for parents. By the time a child is 4 years old, he has likely attached deeply to parents, practiced separating and gained some independence. Just the act of saying, "No! Mine!" at 2 years old is a bold gesture in separation. Sometimes, parents leave children in the midst of tears and tantrums. Parents can sometimes feel baffled about the decision to say goodbye. Self- doubt can take over, and we wonder if it is really worth it. Chances are your 4-year-old can handle the separation, even if he is sad. In most circumstances, parents can alleviate their guilt by using the following strategies:

• Plan ahead. A week in advance might be a good amount of time to start talking about your upcoming trip. Talking about it too far in advance is more difficult as 4-year-olds are still learning about the concept of time. Talk with enthusiasm about where you will be and what you will be doing.

• Make sure that home routines, sleeping arrangements and caretakers are as familiar and constant as possible. A steady structure will ground your child, even if he feels sad. At around age 4, children can naturally develop a fear of animals, the dark and monsters. If this is true of your child, it doesn't mean you shouldn't go on vacation. Handling those kinds of fears will take time, patience and reassurance. Eventually four year olds grow out of them.

• Don't forget your child's favorite object. If your child has a "transition" object, like a stuffed animal or a special blanket, make sure these are in place and with your child.

• Should your child respond with fear or sadness (which would be normal), acknowledge his feelings. Watch and listen closely to determine what the predominant tension is really about. Say things like, "It feels sad when you think about mommy and daddy leaving." "It feels scary. You worry about being alone." "This is the first time Mommy and Daddy are taking a special vacation. We wish you could come, too." Let your child express and release the tension that naturally occurs when change and separation are happening. Do not try to "fix" the situation or talk your child out of the feelings. Rather, acknowledge, empathize, listen and reassure. You can write a short list of what he does to feel better, like reading a book, listening to music or playing with soap bubbles. You can say something like, "It's okay to feel sad. You'll miss me and I'll miss you. I'll be back in 6 days and we'll have a great big hug and snuggle. Mommy and daddy always come back." Learning to self -sooth is tremendously valuable and a lifelong necessity. Many 4-year-olds will feel better if presented with the opportunity to play with sensory materials, like a warm bubble bath, washing dishes or finger painting.

• Make a small, colorful chart with boxes representing the days you will be away. Give your child some beautiful stickers that he can put on each box as each day passes. He can anticipate your return and begin to understand and tolerate the duration of time.

• Present your child with a storybook about the topic of saying goodbye and coming back. Any good children's bookstore will have some choices for you to consider.

Remember to tell your child that all mommies and daddies like to have special time together. As children grow, it is important to show them how we parents nurture our children, our marriages and ourselves. When we do this, children internalize the idea that self -preservation and nurturing are part of life. They can grow into adults who know how to value themselves as they see us spending time without them. If parents do not nurture themselves in the parenting process, children can begin to feel that the world revolves around them. We want our children to feel safe and nurtured, but not entitled.

So, as you prepare to say goodbye to your young child, remember that raising a child who will become a resilient adult requires that we tolerate our children's sad, nervous feelings. To watch a child suffer may be one of the toughest things we do. Keep in mind that with empathy and respectful planning, most children who are four years old can manage the seemingly daunting task of saying goodbye. And in spending time away, the joy that can fuel the marriage will give us the energy to continue the lifelong task of parenting!

Looking for solid parenting advice? Have questions on how to raise a resilient child? Ask Lexi

How do I handle an adolescent who constantly requests things?

I know from experience how difficult it can be to tolerate the long lists of wants and demands generated by teenagers. Developmentally, adolescents are known to be quite self absorbed and focused on their peer culture. They do not tend to consider the parental perspective nor do they have the life experience to understand how strenuous it can feel to manage the emotional and financial needs of a family. Having things and going places with friends can be a central focus of a teenager’s life. In sheer frustration, we parents can repeat the unhelpful phrases that we heard when we were teens. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” “Money doesn’t grow on trees,” “When I was a boy, I had to chop the wood, mow the lawn.” We can easily blame, accuse and attack our teen by saying things like, “You don’t do anything around here to help but expect me to constantly buy things for you!” While values have a place in this discussion, moralizing and lecturing will not ultimately help us to stay in relationship with our teen and guide them to a strong character. In the moment of tension we parents worry that our children have not internalized some of our core values. As they ask for more, we ask ourselves “What can we do?”

In the face of the conflict that arises when teenagers constantly request things, it will help to hesitate and step away from the moment. Take a “time out” by saying “Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you.” We can consider how susceptible our children and we are to our consumer culture. For a moment, imagine your own list of wishes, like a renovated bathroom, new curtains or a spa treatment. Haim Ginott, a highly recognized child psychologist and author of Between Parent and Child and Between Parent and Teen, helped parents to understand their children and feel more competent in the parental role. In fact, he was the inspiration behind the award-winning books of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, including How To Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk. When teens are asking for yet, another thing, their recommendation is to listen, empathize, and “give in fantasy what you can’t give in reality.” Once you have removed yourself from the tension, you could return to the discussion, listen carefully and say something like this.

“I hear you. You really want a new computer. Sounds like all your friends have one and it must feel bad to be the only one without a new computer. I wish I could afford it right now. If I had an extra $1,200, I’d give it to you. I know it’s important to you.”

You might even say something like “You have a lot of things you want right now.  Would you mind writing a list and prioritizing so I know what’s most important to you? I need that information when I’m able to buy you a present – maybe for your birthday.”

Hesitating, listening, empathizing and giving in fantasy what you can’t give in reality, is not a magic solution to the bigger issue of dealing with constant demands but it is a humane first step. It is empathy that will drive the discussion. This approach should allow for the next step which might be to problem solve how your teen can get some of the things he wants. Here in lies some space for modeling (not moralizing). At this point you might be modeling something about working for consensus by listening to others perspectives, sharing responsibility, managing money, etc.  If you become good at problem solving and your child trusts the process, there is hope for a conversation that leads both parent and child to feel heard and to get some needs met.

While it is tempting to lecture a teen when they ask for so many things, remember that there is little hope for a productive outcome in a moment of tension. Also, we parents must remember that there are countless opportunities to model and teach our values.  Much of what we value has already been instilled in our teens and will re-surface more openly in young adulthood. During adolescence, one of the most important things we can do is to keep a dialogue open with our kids. It is inevitable that we will feel angry, frustrated and worried. We have a right to these feelings but in the process of communicating with our children we will feel better if we start with empathy, listen more than talk, and practice problem solving. Should you decide to invite your teen to make a wish list, make sure you follow through by helping him to get some of what he wants. To normalize the situation, you might also make your own wish list and post it on the refrigerator. Little by little, the people in your family may get some of what they want.  But more importantly, the message will be clear. It is okay (and normal) to want things and getting them may take some time, effort and understanding.

My 4-year-old daughter is an only child. She doesn’t seem to miss having siblings, but are there other “only-child” issues we need to consider?

There are advantages and disadvantages to various family shapes. When children grow up with siblings, there are countless opportunities to become socialized and learn about intimacy. To love and be loved is a basic human need, and certainly single children families can be quite loving. What you want to think about is how your child can become socialized. There are many ways in which this will happen. As a parent you can guide the process carefully over the many years it takes to learn social skills.

The natural sequence of socialization for young children involves playing alone, then next to another child (parallel play) and finally, associative play which means playing partially alone and a little with another. Experts would agree that by the time children reach age 3, they naturally become ready to play with one or a few friends. So far, your child, at four, has been rather content, not seeming to “miss having siblings.” By the time children reach age 4, one of the most helpful things a parent in a single child family can do is create small, short play experiences in which children can begin to practice sharing, taking turns and delaying gratification with peers. At 4, it is still likely that impulse control is not fully in place so that when playing, children might kick, push and grab. This is an educative moment and parents can help by noticing small positive steps and shaping the play for success. You can say things like:

• “I see you’re sharing your blocks.”

• “You had to wait for your turn and you were patient.”

• “It isn't easy to share when friends come to play. Let's put out only the toys you'd like to share today.”

• “I'll help you. How about you hold the doll and we count to 10 and then we'll let your friend have a turn. Let's count together.”

When thinking about the goal of promoting socialization in a single child family, relatives (particularly cousins of the same age) can give a child the sense of being part of a larger family. Remember - the objective for a single child is to have opportunities to learn social skills and feel connected. A swimming class, for example, will not be a likely place to learn social skills but a playgroup or preschool will. In his book, Miseducation: Preschoolers At Risk, David Elkind discusses the risks in over stimulating or over scheduling young children. During the school years there is plenty of time to build skills (team sports, arts and academics). Parents of young children, in single child families (and in families with siblings), can enrich their young children's lives by helping them to feel competent and successful with other people. These early, lifelong social experiences are fundamentally critical to overall well-being in adulthood. A child without siblings is, by no means, disadvantaged but the journey to socialization needs to be thoughtful and comprehensive.

Looking for solid parenting advice? Have questions on how to raise a resilient child? Ask Lexi