Ask Lexi
Q: My daughter is acting like she doesn't care about school or much of anything at all. Please help.
A: When kids seem apathetic, parents worry. It can be easy to compare a child to peers who seem to be engaged in lots of activities. In fact, some kids these days are stressed as a result of too many expectations, too many commitments. Parents can run ragged taking kids here and there in a rat race of activities. Ultimately, it doesn’t serve children if they feel obligated to do too much, sometimes in order to earn adult approval. Striking a balance that is compatible with your child’s interests, development and congenital strengths is the goal.
Dr. Robert Brooks, a psychologist recently recognized for his book, Raising Resilient Children, writes that children are “drowning in an ocean of inadequacy.” He concludes that children need charismatic adults to help them find an “island of competence.” What does this mean and how does it occur?
Essentially, a charismatic adult is one who believes in a child “no matter what.” Parents, teachers, coaches, priests and ministers are commonly those adults who can see through superficial flaws or vulnerabilities and bring out the best in a kid. Even when kids discourage us with a mopey, disinterested demeanor, a true child advocate keeps searching for the crack to open a door. The ability to find strength and interest in kids who don’t seem to care takes extra special determination and an inclination to identify the child’s smallest efforts and interests.
For example, when encouraging staff at summer camps to find strength in campers, I ask the camp counselors to meet with me 24 hours after campers have arrived. At that time, I want to hear about a camper who might struggle to “make it” within the social dynamics of a cabin. One time, a counselor described a girl camper. “She does nothing. She just sits on her bunk polishing her finger nails.” The next day, I arrived at the cabin with 10 bottles of nail polish. With great excitement, the 13-year-old campers turned to the girl who didn’t want to engage and asked her for tips and advice. Almost instantly, she became the nail “expert.” Within a few days, her creative strengths were acknowledged and utilized in cabin activities, skits and decorations. She ended up feeling quite connected to the camp experience and returned the next summer.
Kids don’t want to feel disconnected. But they sometimes need our help finding the gateway in. We adults must look beyond the traditional activities, such as sports, music and theater. We must listen and watch carefully, sometimes engaging with them to discover where strength lies.
Another aspect of helping kids to develop interests and engage is to provide opportunities to contribute. Research indicates that kids who have chances to care for something or someone, develop empathy and self-esteem, essential for success and happiness. Depending upon the child’s age, kids can baby sit, care for pets, help out a grandparent, volunteer at a preschool or hospital, or take part in community service efforts. Sending the message, “I need your help” is powerful and in great contrast to the damage done when we say, “Why don’t you do anything?”
Fear of failure can be a reason kids don’t try something new. It’s important that we give kids opportunities to try, fail and recover from failure. Sometimes talking about your own mistakes can help kids realize that it is human to flounder. Help your daughter to start small. Try new things in baby steps building to a stronger and stronger sense of competence. Remind your child of what she has accomplished and reassure her that you will be there if she needs you. Mistakes can become opportunities to learn instead of the endpoint for further involvement.
Give your child chances to gain freedom and independence (choose the wallpaper in her room, spend allowance on whatever she wants, or make her own weekend bedtime schedule). This all depends on age, but stretch a little to show her that you believe she can manage certain things without you micro-managing her. This way, she will gain experience making decisions that can eventually lead to an “I can do it” attitude.
Freedom from fear helps kids to experiment with new activities. Safety is critical. Help your child to express fear and discuss strategies for feeling safe. Ask her, “What happened the last time you did this? How did you handle it? What worked? What would you do differently next time? What are the ways you keep yourself safe?” Reassure her that a parent’s job is to make sure the environment is safe and to teach children to know when danger is present. Try doing the activity with her first and then she can try it on her own. Celebrate courage when it surfaces.
Kids are born with unique strengths and challenges. Maturity takes time. Parents must wait and wonder. Sometimes kids are more comfortable and natural in adulthood than in childhood. In this case, we parents must be patient, trying as hard as we can to send loving messages. Generally kids grow into themselves by the time they round the corner into adulthood. But should doubt overpower you, continue to seek advice and counseling. Most parents and kids benefit from a little counseling at some point. Don’t hesitate to continue to ask for help in assessing your situation.
