By Lexi Hoffman, M.A.

Read Past Articles Here Parenting through the Holidays

In her book, Mother-Daughter Wisdom, Christiane Northrup, M.D. writes, "I firmly believe that the mother-daughter bond is designed by nature to become the most empowering, compassionate, intimate relationship we'll ever have." But she also concurs with child development/parenting specialists, like myself, and writes, "Here's the truth: Children reserve their worst behavior for their mothers almost from the beginning. This is because it's okay to be vulnerable around our mother. We know that she will love us despite our weaknesses."

Recent research has shown that at the onset of puberty, girls begin to lose their "voice," at least publicly. They tend to suppress what they are feeling in order to fit into the confines of our culture. Simultaneously, girls begin to seek their own identity. They must, at some level, stay in connection with the mother in order to know what it is to be feminine. But to gain identity, separation is necessary. It is complicated and confusing to separate and stay in connection. The onset of hormones can only make things more confusing. Still, within the stormy years of adolescence, there is strong evidence that the mother-daughter connection can stay strong and vibrant. To gain some insight into how it happens, consider reading The Mother-Daughter Project: How Mothers And Daughters Can Bond Together, Beat The Odds, And Thrive Through Adolescence by SuEllen Hamkins, M.D. and Renee Schultz, M.A.

During our daughter's adolescence, we moms can feel forlorn, down trodden, perplexed, discouraged and angry as our daughters seem to love us and need us at one moment and hate us the next. It takes almost nothing to embarrass a 13-year-old daughter. It could be something we wear, something we say or something we don't. When we make a comment, at least half the time we are ignored or put down and eliciting help can be painful. Some therapists believe that a mother's self esteem is directly related to her daughter's. When our daughters feel strong, so do we but when they are cranky and uncooperative, we can instantly match that mode. Yet, the depth and tenderness of the mother-daughter relationship defies words. Generally, mothers and daughters share a love that is uniquely intimate. The good news is that research on female development indicates that in most cases, this stage of ambivalence and struggle eases up and by the time our daughters are in their 20s, they are likely to think of their moms as wise and loving.

So what can we do in the meantime to tolerate our daughters' ambivalence, protect ourselves and promote wellness in both? Here are some thoughts.

Listen more than talk. She needs your empathy and support. If we moms give too much advice, a daughter could easily conclude that she is not capable of figuring things out herself. After listening and maybe giving a hug, listen some more. Then ask, "What do you think? You've been through something like this before. What has helped you in the past? Is there anything I can do to help?" By encouraging her to problem solve, we are sending an empowering message. Somewhere in the process, she may feel some strength and shift so that a positive change is possible. She will view you as her advocate, not an adversary.

Talk in the car. Face-to-face communication is often difficult. Daughters can feel like you are scrutinizing them. Some of the best conversations can take place in the car, not looking directly at each other. Or write notes/letters. Some mothers and daughters keep a journal of thoughts and feelings that they pass back and forth to each other.

Take your daughter's cues. Timing is everything. You might ask, "When would be a good time to talk?"

When asking your daughter to do chores, plan in advance when possible. Anticipate the tasks. "Remember, we agreed you would empty the dishwasher before noon."

Make a short list of chores or agreements about homework and television. Check it off as tasks come to completion. If you have to talk about it, use "I" statements. "I'm hoping you follow through on the list so we can go to the movies later." Or, "I don't like the way you cleaned the kitchen. You remembered to empty the dishwasher. Please go back and wipe the counters."

In moments of tension, avoid threats and accusations. Say what you feel, avoiding judgment or comments about past history. "I feel hurt when you talk to me like that. It feels like you're taking me for granted." Or, "I'm glad we can be honest with each other, even when we disagree."

Give in fantasy what you can't in reality. Using an "I "statement, it can sound like this. "Seems like you wish you never said that to your friend. I wish I could make your friendship dilemma go away. If I could, I'd turn back the clock for you." This kind of empathy is helpful. On occasion, daughters want our advice, but usually it is our support they crave.

As much as possible, say, "Yes!" or "Let me think about that." When the answer is no, be clear and firm. Do not expect agreement. Do not engage in lengthy arguments that can dissolve into hurtful moments. "I know you don't like my decision. We don't agree. I'm not willing to let you go to a party when a parent is not present. I feel strongly about the lack of safety in that situation. I am, however, willing to plan a party at our house at some point in the near future. I'm not going to change my mind about this. I know you're really angry at me." Stay for a hug but if your daughter is not receptive, leave and check in later. Learn how to tolerate your daughter's distress when you say no while she learns to manage disappointment.

Build a bank of goodwill. Do some fun things together. Dance, cook, get your nails polished, read the same book, or watch a movie together. The good times soften the tension that will inevitably occur.

Notice strength and acknowledge it. Talk about what she is doing well and encourage her interests and passions. Be involved when possible but let your daughter take the lead in developing her special talents.

Acknowledge your daughter's friendships and relationships. They are vitally important to most adolescent girls. Negotiating friendships takes a lot of time and emotional energy. Your daughter is learning the nuances of relationship. She is sorting out how to make a friend, be a friend and what true friendship entails. The path to strong friendships can feel bumpy but it is immensely important that you teach and support your daughter through it. Sometimes she will want privacy but at other moments, you could share a story from your past that could enlighten her. In any case, stay a little involved, if only to listen, so your daughter does not have to feel so alone on her relational journey.

Get to know the mothers of your daughter's friends. When this is possible, you can give and get support. You might feel relieved, even humored, by the realization that we are all in this together. We can cherish the good times and take the bad in stride. Parenting is over a lifetime and, for better or worse, this stage is likely to evolve into a more gentle time.