By Lexi Hoffman, M.A.

Read Past Articles Here Parenting through the Holidays How to Nurture the Mother-Daughter Relationship

Parenting a three-year-old can be confusing. Compared to two-year-olds, three-year-olds appear remarkably cognitive and physically competent. Unlike at two years old when she was interested in objects and would parallel play side by side with peers, now she wants to engage with a friend and has entered into a cooperative play stage of development. But three-year-olds can be insecure and prone to dominating social interactions.

By age three and a half, children are feeling stressed and frequently have a difficult time managing turbulent emotions. The Gesell Institute of Child development, responsible for the leading research on child development, labels the three-year-old "Friend or Enemy." While friends are important, a three-year-old must still practice a lot in order to be good at taking turns, delaying gratification by waiting, and sharing toys. Often, three-year-olds are so interested in having friends that they create imaginary friends who they can boss around and control completely. Or, occasionally three-year-olds, interested in interacting with other children, will pretend they are somebody else. It is not unusual for three-year-olds to even pretend that they are family pets. They are so excited by the thought of playing with someone that they create social play in their minds and conversations. Parents can feel joy in watching their child venture into social play but at the same time, as children bumble along at the beginning stages of learning to get along with others, parents can feel frustrated and discouraged when they see bossy behavior and selfish actions.

Louise Bates Ames, world renowned for her in depth developmental research on children and considered one of the foremost experts in the field, writes to parents in her book, Your Three-Year-Old, "Try to avoid the feeling that your child should or ought always to behave 'nicely' or that routines should always go smoothly if only you do the right thing. Especially at three-and-a-half, there may be much daily conflict." It will take time and patience to support your child to four years old when socialization is likely to become smoother.

In the meantime, here are some tips that may help:

• Modify the environment for success. When you know that a friend is coming to play, ask your child, "What would you like to share today? What do you not want to share? Let's put away the things you don't want to share." When possible, two of each toy can avoid some inevitable conflicts (two dolls, two yellow buckets for the sandbox, etc.). Playing with one other child is easier than a group. Invite one friend at a time and graduate to a small group.

• Remember that attention span is short. Social play is helped by playing simple games. The task of your turn, my turn is quite a challenge so the game itself is less important than its simplicity and the possibility for feeling socially successful. Also, children at this age find it soothing and interesting to play with sensory materials. Creating something in a sandbox together or making a feast of pretend food with play dough can produce social satisfaction. Making a healthy snack together can be a great way to spend time. Spreading peanut butter on crackers or mixing yogurt with lots of colorful fruit and raisins is perfect for three-year-olds.

• Anticipate that some tasks will be difficult so prepare and give a choice. You could say to your child, "Sometimes it's hard to share crayons. If you both want the same color, what should we do? How about counting to ten and then the other person can use the crayon." Listen to their ideas. If they come up with a reasonable system for sharing, there is more chance for success. Teaching and encouraging problem solving is an invaluable life lesson.

• Provide a quiet activity time, positive comments and a healthy snack to get cooperation in the late afternoon. Playing with a friend can consume a lot of energy. Play dates are best in the morning and for short, successful periods.

• Notice when kids are doing the right thing and compliment them being very specific about the positive behavior. "You two are so good at sharing the doll clothes. You've come up with a great system for sharing. All the blue clothes are for you and all the red clothes are for you!"

• See them as capable and say something like, "I bet you will be really good at organizing the clothes when it's time to put them away. Or, "Wow! Look how quickly you picked up the blocks!"

• Offer to help pick up toys and make it fun by singing a song or playing music while you clean up. Children need a lot of help at this age.

• Empathize and encourage cooperation. Conflict will inevitably arise. "You both want the same ball. You're mad at each other and don't want to wait your turn. Waiting is a hard thing to do. I wonder what we should do?"

• Counting to ten or setting a timer can help children in social situations. Giving simple choices can engage a child's cooperation and give them a sense of control and ownership. "Would you prefer to pick up your toys before or after your snack? It's your choice. You decide."

• For those conflicts that are hard to resolve, re-direction or a distraction can sometimes help children save face and move on. If the conflict has escalated to pushing, hitting or verbally hurtful words, it is best to let children have a few minutes to cool down. Understanding how stressful it can be to play together, you can say something like, "Wow, you two are really mad. It's hard to do the right thing when we're mad. I'm going to let you each have a cool down time. You go into the playroom for a few minutes and you come into the kitchen with me. I'll set the timer for 5 minutes. When the timer rings, you can try playing together again." It is not helpful to say things to children like, "If you two can't get along, I'm going to take that ball away." Or, "If you can't share, you won't have any more friends over!" Or, "You better be nice or nobody will want to play with you!"

Social competence is critical to happiness and success but we know that it takes many years to develop social skills. The nuances of social relationships can be tricky and confusing. Young children are still struggling with controlling their impulses and learning to empathize by understanding someone's perspective besides their own. It can be heartbreaking for a parent to see their child struggle and we worry if our child is not invited to play with others. To be a good friend is very important and we parents need to help our kids learn about friendship, the normal ups and downs, step by step. Know you are not alone in your concern and that your stress about the situation is normal. In order to take the long perspective and guide your child, take good care of yourself, getting enough sleep and nurturing yourself so that you have the patience for three-year-old behaviors. Additionally, find some good books that will help you gain a perspective. I recommend books by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., Penelope Leach, M.D., and The Gesell Institute of Child Development.